Dear Mr. President: WTF?

Dear President Obama,


It has occurred to me that I may have been a little ungrateful for all that you have done in the short time you've been in office. If your people have been monitoring me on some watch list, I may have given the impression that I think you're an asshat. OK, I actually said it several times...JUST KIDDING! I recently learned of your "Secret Kill List" and I know that I fit the home grown terrorist profile of Jack Napolitano; old, white, Christian, redneck. I'm not former military, but four out of five isn't bad. Anyway, I guess I haven't made that list, or I wouldn't be typing this brilliant piece of literature right now. So, just to clarify, I think you've done a lot of just wonderful things and, on behalf of myself and a few friends, I'd like to thank you. Where should I start?

• The Economy-Ok, so everything costs a lot more and all of us have a lot less money; let's look for the silver lining. My pantry and refrigerator needed a good cleaning and their both spotless and shiny now. Back when we had all that economic growth under Reagan, Clinton, and the Bush boys, they were all cluttered up with food and crap like that. Thanks A Lot!!!
• Personal Wealth-Even though it doesn't seem like it, my personal wealth has infinitely multiplied under your leadership. Before you took office, I was just a regular working stiff. But, thanks to you, and according to you; I'm either a millionaire or a billionaire. I'm not sure why in the hell my bank balance says $359.00, I guess all my money must be tied up in bonds or securities or something like that. Either way, like your buddy Warren Buffett, I feel like I'm not paying my fair share. Please raise my taxes; PLEEEEEEASE!!!
• George W. Bush-On behalf of myself and your predecessor, THANK YOU! No we really mean it, Thank You! As you like to mention very frequently, "W" kind of made a mess of things. His over the top deficit spending and manipulation of the currency left us with a real turd of an economy. But, then you came in, worked your magic, and turned it into "TURDZILLA". We owe you one!
• Jimmy Carter-In the same spirit as above, Ol' Jimmy is extremely grateful. After all, you and he are sort of kindred spirits; with you being the first African-American president, and he the first retarded one. Jimmy made Fidel Castro look like an economic genius and thought he had secured his place as the worst president in history; then you rode to the rescue. The state of Georgia is forever in your debt.
• Mitt Romney-Mitt is still trying to figure out what happened. He went from being a lifelong "DND" (Damn Near Democrat) to looking like the second coming of Ronald Freaking Reagan. Mitt had no idea he was a conservative until you got elected; he thought John McCain was a right wing extremist. That's why he still can't articulate the message that good, but he's learning. Mitt would also like to apologize for sending you that damn socialized health care thing.Iit worked out OK for him, but he didn't have to worry about the pesky ass constitution in Massachusetts. He's sorry that it's caused you so much grief. Also, thanks for writing an awesome campaign platform for him; he was really clueless, but you're providing an unending stream of talking points. Much Appreciated!
• My Personal Health-I guess I owe you my life! Who knew that a steady diet of Dr. Peppers and Twinkies was bad for your health? I don't know what we'd do without you and your wife looking out for us; I guess just get fat and die. But, in spite of your warnings, we're still having a tough time backing away from the buffet. Maybe you should consider dropping the hammer on us with some serious food regulations, or maybe just tax the crap out of our fat asses. Oh, you already thought of that? My bad. Please hurry before my butt gets too big to fit through the door. Thanks!
• Punishing the Rich-You know, I had been thinking that it would be great if someone could really stick it to the people that I work for, and by groceries and energy from. If someone would just break it off in their asses, I'm sure that could be nothing but beneficial to me. Yeah, take more money from my boss, there's gotta be a better chance of you giving me some than him giving me a raise, right? Tax the shit out of Exxon and Walmart! They'll never think of passing it on to us. Go Get "em Prez!

Well, gotta run now, it's 5:30 a.m. and I have to get down to the food bank. A fellow has to eat, and God knows the line is a lot longer down there than it was before you took office. Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned God in a letter to you. I take it back. Please don't put me on a new list! I'll continue this later, I still have tons of stuff to thank you for.


Best Regards,


Seymour Poverty