Is This Really the Best We Can Do?

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
Jerry Seinfeld


A while back, in the same day’s news, I saw a story about woman who weighed six hundred pounds and was trying to get to a thousand to set a record and another about Jessica Simpson, who admitted in an interview that she rarely brushes her teeth, usually choosing to use her sleeve instead. My wife often accuses me of believing that I’m the only one who knows anything or that I’m smarter than anyone else. Just take an honest look at the world we live in and explain to me how I would come to any other conclusion. The most popular method of communication in the world now involves typing with your thumbs on a keyboard or screen that’s smaller than a business card on a device that you can actually communicate verbally with. I’m not against advances in technology. Cassettes were better than 8-tracks, CD’s better still, and iPods may be the most awesome thing ever for music lovers. Texting, however, is not progressive technology, it’s regressive. If texting were the only way we had to communicate and I invented a device with which you could actually talk to someone in another country, I’d be a zillionaire. But no, I’m the one who’s behind the times, resisting progress. What’s the next high tech phenomenon going to be? Smoke signals? We have a tendency in recent years to blame a lot of our problems on our ever growing system of government, and with good reason. They are constantly finding new and creative ways to spend our money and take away our freedoms, all the while using the constitution as a doormat. It seems that every time I watch the news, there’s a new piece of legislation or government agency that will take us just a little closer to becoming the Soviet Union. I really want to argue that Americans are too smart to let it happen; but a lot of my fellow citizens are making that a tough sell. As we all know, the big doomsday scare of the last decade has revolved around “man caused global warming”. I think it’s a big load of crap and I’ll tell you why another time, but let’s forget about that for a minute. Whether it’s to save the planet, help the U.S. become energy independent, or to just save money at the pump; I think most of us would agree that conserving energy is probably a good thing, but at what price? I was traveling on interstate 10, between Houston and San Antonio the other day and, for a while, I was running at about 75 mph, right next to a car about the size of a shoe box. The front of the vehicle was almost all windshield, and the driver’s nose was almost touching the glass. I wonder if that guy has pondered whether he is more likely to die by drowning in the rising seas as a result of global warming or being smashed like a bug by an eighteen wheeler. It’s hard to blame the media or the government for treating us like morons, we’re giving them a target that must be impossible to resist. The Texas State legislature has twice attempted and failed to pass a law that would require voters to present a photo ID at the polls. Really?... I have to show a driver’s license to get a library card, buy sinus medicine, or enter the public schools my kids attend, but why would it be necessary to get ID from people as they’re deciding who will write and enforce our laws or protect national security? It’s not as if we’ve had multiple instances of individuals voting more than once or of dead people or Mickey Mouse voting. Yeah, I see no problem there. Hey America! A lot of people gave their lives so we could live in this country. Is this really the best job we can do to honor those sacrifices? I sure as hell hope not. A lot of you people out there aren’t carrying your share of the load when it comes to good decision making and, frankly, you’re screwing things up for the rest of us. We need all of you to count to three, then give a collective tug and pull your heads out of your asses. Most polls show that congressional approval ratings over the last thirty years hovered between seventeen and thirty five percent and are currently at about fourteen. Yet some of these jackasses have been there for thirty or forty years. Hey guys, you know you can vote every two years on whether or not to keep these idiots, right? It’s not supposed to be a lifetime appointment like the pope. Evidently, the wackos on the left worked their selves into a tizzy over Bristol Palin’s performance on “Dancing With the Stars”. It seems they believe that the “Tea Party” was conspiring to keep her on the show even though she wasn’t as good as some other contestants. Here’s the deal; if this is true, then you tea partiers who participated are losers. You lefties are losers either way. Can’t you find a better way to occupy your time? Shouldn’t you be out fighting for the civil rights of ferrets or trying to save East Texas crabgrass from extinction? Yesterday was supposed to have been the busiest air travel day of the year and some activists were encouraging passengers to protest the airport security screening procedures. I was glad to see that almost no one participated. I’m against being felt up by the government too, but I don’t think causing yourself and everyone else to have to spend extra hours in the airport, the day before Thanksgiving is a really smart way to make your point. But I did see video of a guy and a girl who attempted to go through screening in their underwear, brilliant idea. They also interviewed a kid who looked like he was about eight, who said about his choice; “well, I really don’t want to die from radiation or have people touch my private parts”. Okay, I hope this kid’s parents didn’t tell him the scanner would kill him. I mean, wouldn’t that tend to make you beg for the groping. I’d really like to be thankful today for all of the intelligent, well thought out decision making I see going on around me. But I guess my family, friends, and health will have to suffice. 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

Federal Junk Groping, What Will They Ruin Next?

If Osama Bin Laden has satellite and a flat screen in his cave, I imagine he's laughing his ass off about now. A decade ago, some of his boys hijacked and crashed four planes, killing over three thousand people. In response, we're now fondling the genitals of passengers before they board their flights; I guess we've showed him. We had a shoe bomber, so we now go barefooted in the airport. We had an underwear bomber, so now we're doing pantie-checks. I hope like hell the next guy doesn't jam a bomb up his anus. Earlier this year, President Obama and Democrats everywhere were outraged that Arizona passed a law that would require suspected criminals to present proof of citizenship. But asking Grandpa to present his testicles before flying to Disney World with the family?...No Problem. The Obama administration is truly the gift that keeps on giving. In just two years they have graciously told me how fat I am, how stupid I am, and how much of a racist I am. Now, they've generously offered to inspect my scrotum for explosives. My cup runneth over. They've nationalized health care, banks, student loans, and Chevrolet; now they're going after foreplay. I've had about enough of this crap. Washington, Adams, and Franklin started a revolution over tariffs on tea. I'm guessing they wouldn't have responded well to having their manhood caressed by government bureaucrats. As I near the age of fifty, I find there aren't as many instances of spontaneous "excitement". An occasional strategically directed groping might not be so bad, I just don't want to receive it from someone who's only working there because Walmart wasn't hiring. It appears that Americans are nearing the limits that they'll allow themselves to be pushed to in the interest of safety. It's about time. This is so absurd, it would be funny, if only our pants weren't around our ankles. It doesn't have to be this way, we're allowing these idiots to do this to us and it's not just Obama and the Democrats. When the Bush administration started tapping phones and monitoring emails without a court order, most Republicans said nothing because Bush was "our guy". Leftist Democrats screamed about the the violations of constitutional rights by the evil Bush. Where are all you idiots now? I'll take my share of the blame for helping elect Bush and then failing to hold him accountable, but let's be honest; a lot of you have a much bigger share of blame to shoulder. Those of you that continue to blindly defend Obama's policies should be first in line to drop your trousers and assume the position. Voters in California should have to go through the procedures multiple times everyday, when entering all public and private buildings, but then, most of them would likely enjoy it. If more people had to pay the price for stupidity in the voting booth or, worse yet, not voting at all; maybe we would stop seeing so much of this lunacy. Until then, if Uncle Sam is going to keep doling out this "welfare sex", the least they could do is lift the ban on smoking in airports.

Even In Tough Times, America is a Pretty Sweet Deal

I used to be a lot of fun. For several years in my younger days, the party didn't start until I got there, nor end 'til I passed out. In the past year, a few people, some who were family, have told me that I'm not as much fun; too serious (AKA: "Kind of an ass"). I know it's true; hell, I get on my own nerves. I don't trust anyone and I see a conspiracy behind every door. I record and watch Glenn Beck religiously and, often, he depresses the hell out of me. But, it's like a car wreck and I can't look away; plus, he's right most of the time. I constantly read books on history, economics, and government that are so boring they'd put a meth addict to sleep. Yesterday, before the polls had even closed, I started concentrating on how, despite the big gains, we couldn't relax, had to keep an eye on the Republicans now; and I believe that. But, it hit me on the way home; I need to lighten up. Despite all of the real problems we face, I'm extremely blessed and being an American still beats anything else on earth. We need to take a few minutes and enjoy this victory over socialism and tyranny because, by the Grace of God, we earned it. I've never been prouder of my country and all of you fellow Americans and, as Lee Greenwood sang: "I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today" I don't think we can overstate the significance of this election. As they have throughout history, the American people came to the defense of freedom and the God given right to govern themselves. Last night we were "The Shining City on a Hill" that Ronald Reagan so often spoke of and, when we awoke today, it was morning in America again. We can do this, we just forgot that for a little while. Last week my twenty-one year old son voted for the first time. Last night my twelve year old son laid on the bed and watched the returns with me and he understands and gets it. My eleven year old daughter couldn't care less, but she plays a mean second base. Their generation will finish this fight but, obviously, us old dogs aren't finished yet. I've met so many good people this year who've worked hard to spur this movement and I've been awed by you. Make no mistake this is a "bottom up" movement. I also know that we put some damn good people in office yesterday; people like Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, and Lt. Col. Allen West. We also threw out some dirt bags, particularly Alan Grayson in Florida. Yeah, they'll need help but it was a pretty damn good start. We will win this fight because Americans don't quit. We kicked Adolph Hitler's ass; we're not going to lose this country to the likes of Barack Obama and Harry Reid. So give yourselves a round of applause and thank The Lord God for giving us the strength. Then, if you choose, crack open a cold one or two and join me in a toast. Not too many though, we've gotta get back to work tomorrow. God Bless you all and God Bless The United States of America.

While Americans Battle for Survival, Obamas Live Like Royalty

Over the past two years Americans have increasingly been spending less and saving more. Many of them, my wife and I included, have been doing a lot more bargain shopping, clipping coupons, cutting corners, or just doing without. We book cheaper hotels and flights on internet sites or maybe just stay home and skip vacations; and we're the lucky ones. In the last three years, eight million Americans have lost their jobs and there aren't any new ones. Millions more lost their homes. More people are receiving government assistance than at any time in history, including the great depression. But our president is taking his family on a trip to India that will cost taxpayers $ 200 million per: day. If this doesn't piss you off so bad that you can't see straight, then you're either stoned or so incredibly damned stupid, you shouldn't be left alone without a caretaker. And, to be perfectly blunt, a lot of Americans are that stupid. There is no other explanation for voting for the likes of Jerry Brown, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid. If California fell off into the ocean, the collective IQ of the country would instantly double. Obama has booked rooms at 5 different hotels including the entire Taj Mahal, it's 570 rooms, banquet halls, and restaurants to accommodate his entourage of 3,000 (Is a harem included?). The people who this arrogant jackass works for will also pay for the transport of 40 aircraft and a 45 vehicle motorcade. This crooked S.O.B. has already taken more vacations and played more golf than any president in history, but this is kicking sand in the faces of the American people as they struggle to claw their way out of a hole that he dug. This is reminiscent of Saddam Hussein living in a royal palace while the Iraqi people lived in third world poverty. I was never crazy about John McCain for president, but if I ever hear anyone else say "he wouldn't have been any different than Obama", I'm might slap the shit out of them. We took a big step last night, but we have a long way to go. Wake your friends and neighbors up and expose this corrupt scumbag. He must be thrown out in 2012 or there won't be anything left of the United States. King Obama's reign must end!

Dude, Where's Obama's Car?

The President like to compare our country to a car that, in his opinion, the Republicans drove into a ditch. His story is that he and the Democrats have worked really hard to push this car out of the ditch and now; it's a little banged up, but it's back on the road. This seems to be Obama's favorite analogy. Yesterday, he said that the Republicans are trying to get the keys back but, "You can't have the keys because you don't know how to drive." That's not a bad line; it's getting a little old, but it's not bad. However, there are a few facts about this infamous car that the president has conveniently left out of the story. He's correct in saying that George W. Bush was the Republican who drove into the ditch. But, it seems to have skipped his mind that most of the passengers, including himself, were Democrats. Not only that, while Bush was trying to drive, they were partying it up, passing beers and joints from the back seat up to W. Obama hasn't told us much about this car, but it was pretty nice before they sneaked the keys out of dad's pants while he was sleeping. It was the fastest, most luxurious, high performance automobile in the world; loaded with all the latest gadgets and technological innovations. But, before going off road, these delinquents ran short of cash and started stripping off and selling the gadgets to pay for booze, crack, and hookers. Then, one night they left the car unattended while they were in the liquor store and a bunch of Muslims busted out the windows and tail lights. After driving into the ditch, Bush's turn at driving was over and Obama talked all of his drunk friends into letting him drive. As this con was going on, several bystanders were outside screaming not to let this guy drive. He'd never driven anything, having taken public transportation all his life. But, Obama told the alcoholic, crackhead, losers that all they needed was hope and a change of direction and, being stoned, they gave him the keys. As we mentioned, the car was in the ditch and needed a tow, but Obama had another plan. Instead of turning back toward the street and getting towed out, he turned the wheels downward and stepped on the gas, burying the vehicle to the axles. As the passengers began to sober up, they got mad and started telling Obama what an idiot he was for making a bad situation worse. The President, however, wasn't phased by the anger at his decision making. Rather than altering his course, he began verbally assaulting and even sodomizing his critics. To make matters worse, he made friends with the Muslims that had vandalized the car, excusing their acts by blaming former driver George Bush for angering them. He said he never even liked the car to begin with, that it was to flashy and fancier than the crappy foreign cars his friends drove. As I write these words, Obama is attempting to completely dismantle the car and redistribute it's parts to other drivers. But, if we're lucky, a special police force called the Tea Party will arrive to end his reign of terror and throw his sorry, DUI butt in prison; or at least remove him from the car. Then, hopefully, law and order can be restored.

Dear Nancy, Life's Really Not Fair

Dear Nancy,

How are you my good friend? Let me start by expressing my deepest sympathies for the beat down it appears your party will take in November. The taxpayers appear to be really ungrateful for all of the wonderful things you and the president have jammed up their hind parts in the past two years. Don't they understand it was all for their own good? Anyway, I had to write because I saw what you said to the steel workers union about how things need to be more fair in our country and I couldn't agree more. This is a really unfair country we're living in. I mean, is it fair that your face is stretched tighter than Oprah's panties? I think not. Was it fair when Judy Garland melted you with a bucket of water in "The Wizard of Oz"? Hell No!, and the flying monkeys just sat there and watched. I can't believe you helped one of them become senate majority leader. We're really lucky to have leaders like you, who are not afraid to fight for social justice. There is so much inequality, where do we start? Is it fair that almost half of all Americans pay absolutely no income tax at all and suck the life out of the economy like vampires while the other half support them? What about small business owners who spend years busting their butts and risking everything they have, and who create 85% of new jobs only to be rewarded with higher taxes and demonized by politicians? That's not fair. What about the millions of kids that are robbed of a good education in our public schools due to the union's protection of incompetent teachers and leftwing lunatics influencing curriculum? Let's do something about that. Let's find some justice for the thousands of workers who've lost their jobs because of the president's offshore drilling moratorium, which was put in place due to a single accident among thousands of drilling rigs and despite the fact that the U.S. was financing the same type of drilling by foreign companies. Wow, I didn't realize how much unfairness there was until you brought it up, Thanks! Come to think of it, there was nothing fair about the millions of Americans who lost their homes, businesses, and retirements while you and your buddies bailed out idiot bankers who made loans to people who they new couldn't repay them. Speaking of bankers, it was a little unfair how the government forced them to give mortgages to people with no credit, no money, and no job; then called them evil, profiteering predators. But, I understand that not doing that could have cost you votes and that wouldn't be fair to you. I'll tell you something that's incredibly unfair. How about the thousands of Americans that have been murdered, raped, and kidnapped by illegal alien criminals because our federal government refuses to enforce immigration laws and protect our borders. What about the millions of us that have lost our health insurance or seen huge premium increases thanks to the new law you so generously rammed down our throats. You were right, we did have to wait until it was passed to see how great it was. Lets talk about employment for a minute. Is it fair that government employees make, on average, twice as much money as the people they work for? It hardly seems so. I also have to agree with you on the need to tone down our political rhetoric. You know, it wasn't really fair when millions of hard working, tax paying, parents and grandparents publicly organized to exercise their constitutional rights to freedom of speech and assembly, and you called them tea baggers, racists, and Nazis. Ah, I could go on and on, but somebody has to do the work in this country; after all, that's quite a spending tab you guys are running up. Plus, I'm sure you need to go and hang your face in the sun to tan or something. Anyway, happy returns on 11/2.

Your Partner in Social Activism,

Glenn

When did "Paul Blart-Mall Cop" become the Director of National Security?

I really don't want to make light of a possible terrorist attack, but the geniuses in charge of our government are making it very difficult for me. An FBI/Homeland Security bulletin obtained by the A.P. said that while the latest Al Queda threat across Europe did not specifically target U.S. citizens, "Americans traveling abroad should be on the lookout for suspicious activity." Do What? If we're supposed to report all this "suspicious activity", I can see all hell breaking loose at Walmarts across Europe. A Fox News story reported that Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany conducted a 24 hour security exercise that included a curfew and heightened security. That's great, were they worried that Bin Laden was going to conduct a panty raid that night? Patrick Kennedy of the U.S. State Department stressed that they were not recommending that Americans not go to Europe, just use"common sense, by leaving the scene if they see unattended packages or hear loud noises." Seriously, loud noises? No word on whether Kennedy left the press conference on a "Segue". Is this really the best we can do? J. Edgar Hoover must be spinning in his grave. The list of possible targeted locations includes pretty much every well known landmark on the entire continent of Europe; so at least we've isolated the threat. Under this type of intense scrutiny, I'm sure Bin Laden will just dissolve Al Queda and open a chain of convenience stores. It's bad enough that this is the best intelligence we can gather, but why in the hell would you release such a vague advisory to the public? I can see a scenario where a Muslim that farts loudly in the airport could take a serious beat down. Say what you want about Dick Cheney, but who would you rather have watching your back?

Why is the GOP So Scared of a Few Girls?

The establishment leadership of the Republican Party reminds me of those guys that get all excited when Jennifer Anniston  breaks up with her boyfriend; like, now that she's single, they have a shot. Look losers, just because she dumped him, doesn't mean she's hooking up with you. A lot of Republicans seem to think that the Tea Parties, 9/12 Projects, and other grass roots movements are on a mission to throw out the Democrats so we can welcome them back with open arms. Sorry, we're not dumping them so we can date their ugly cousin. I understand the Democrats and leftwing media being upset about conservative candidates knocking off liberal Republicans. What I'd like to know is; why in the hell is the party of Ronald Reagan so mad about it? The Republican Party ran a much more vicious smear campaign against Christine O'Donnell in Delaware than they ever run against the opposing party. Much to their dismay, she still won with help from Tea Party voters and endorsements from Sarah Palin and Jim Demint. In the aftermath, word leaked that the National Republican Senatorial Committee wouldn't support her in the general election. On Sean Hannity's show, Karl Rove whined that she was unelectable and lacked character. Seriously Karl? I'm not sure if Charles Manson lacks the character to fit in with the tax cheats, adulterers, and perverts in the U.S. government; and since when do most of you guys worry about that anyway? There is an element of elitists in the GOP that still believe we should nominate moderate, middle of the road candidates. Well we tried that in 2008 and John McCain proceeded to run a pathetic, uninspired campaign and got his butt kicked. The Republican establishment, aside from being incredibly arrogant are, apparently, unbelievably stupid. The last two times that a true conservative ran for president, Ronald Reagan slaughtered his opponents in the two biggest landslides of the twentieth century. A lot of the party elite were never crazy about Reagan either, the same way they feel about Palin, Demint, and others who don't fit in to the country club group. I think the old guard is afraid these young guns are going to come in and overturn the gravy train. They had visions of riding the coat tails of the grass roots, reclaiming majorities, and returning to business as usual. Sorry guys, but the party's over; no more uncontested re-election bids, earmarks, or blank checks. We tried it your way and, frankly, it sucked, bad! Now we're going to do it our way and a lot of you should start looking for a job. The first thing that every Republican in congress needs to understand is: All of you are Sarah Palin's bitches. If she tells you to wash her car, you better grab a sponge and a bucket, and get to it. Because, if she lines up against you, you're as dead as Hillary Clinton's sex appeal. I keep hearing leftist morons who say they hope Palin is the GOP nominee in 2012. Better be careful what you wish for; like Reagan, she hates communists. I don't know who the next president will be, though I like Chris Christie a lot. But, if we based it solely on integrity and guts, Palin beats just about everyone in both parties and it's not even close. How is it that Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Jan Brewer, and now, possibly Christine O'Donnell have more balls than most of the men in the party put together? Today, Sen. John Cornyn (R TX), head of the NRSC pledged to support O'Donnell and other Tea Party candidates. That may be due to a barrage of angry emails and phone calls, or maybe Palin threatened to fly down to Texas and kick his ass. Either way, I'm glad they made that decision. A lot of us went to sleep for a while and allowed Washington to really mess up our country, but we're awake now and we'll be keeping an eye on you boys. I know it's a little uncomfortable that the ladies are invading your space, but listen up. The only thing worse than having to tell your mom you got whipped by a girl; is what us conservatives do to guys that attack girls. Please remember, even though Sandra Bullock's ex-husband was a real scum bag, she's still not going out with you.

P.S. For any of you liberal Koolaid drinkers that may think this is funny; pay attention. This is what voters with integrity and moral character do when our elected leaders screw us over. I know that sounds like a foreign concept to you; just look up integrity, moral, and character at dictionary.com