Which Candidate Will Create the Most Jobs? Wrong Question

Last night, President Obama presented his new plan to create jobs and it sounded eerily similar to his old plan. Aw what the hell, he only needs half a trillion dollars to pay for it; just send Biden by the house tomorrow and I'll write him a check. But hey, we're only spending half as much as we did last year. Does that mean we're only going to get half as many jobs? Uh, maybe we need to think about this a little more. We have sort of an important election coming up next year and we, as voters, need to give some serious thought as to which candidate can create the most jobs. First, we need to separate jobs into public sector versus private sector. Let's start with public and as Gomer Pyle would say: "  Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!"; Obama wins in a landslide! I have no doubt that, if he gets another four years, he will have created more government jobs than all previous presidents combined. Only one problem; the last thing we need is more govt. jobs. See, private sector jobs produce wealth, govt. jobs absorb it. So, which candidate will create more private jobs? Is it Obama again? Yeah, probably not; I hired a guy to mow my lawn today so, officially, I created more private sector jobs in one day than Obama has in his entire life. So, is it Romney, Perry, Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, Herman Cain? The answer is: none of the above. No one in government has ever created a private sector job. But, Democrat or Republican, they've destroyed a hell of a lot of them. The only thing they can do to help the situation is: get their dumb asses out of the way of business owners and investors, right now! We'll take the blame for letting you try it your way for this long, but, I think we can all agree that you've screwed it up royally. I'm not going to request that you sit in the back of the car, as the president did of Republicans. No, I'm asking you to get as far away from the damn car as you can. I don't even want to be able to see you in the rear view mirror. You people have done for the economy, what Bill Clinton did for morality. Please step away before something else explodes. We don't need a little tweaking of regulations and the tax code; we need a massive downsizing of, well uh, YOU! Let me provide a few possible starting points:

• Abolish the Tax Code-Not tax cuts or credits, not eliminating a few deductions, not adding eight more dollars a week to my check. We need to throw the whole damn thing out and start over. No country, anywhere on earth needs a 70,000 page tax code. The only reason for that monstrosity is so politicians can hide things from the people, things like pay backs for campaign contributors and subsidies for industries that may employ you after you leave office. It also comes in useful as a tool with which you can arbitrarily punish your enemies. Get rid of it and replace it with a consumption tax that everyone contributes to and can see what their contribution is.
• Stop Telling Businesses What to Do-We don't give a rats ass who you think we should hire or how much you think we should pay them. Most of you have never even had a private sector job. What gave you the idea that you know anything about it? Employees at my company could be working extra hours every week, earning an extra $ 150-$ 200. But we can't let them because, by law, we'd have to pay time and a half, and we'd lose money. Do you have any idea what an extra 25%-30% in pay would mean to those families. No, but you make decisions like this on their behalf every day. Mind your own damn business!
• Abolish the Department of Labor-OSHA, in particular is a worthless disaster that destroys jobs and wealth. We can thank Richard Nixon for this bureaucratic pile of turds. It should be illegal to ever mention his name as a Republican again.
• Abolish the EPA-Congress can write laws to protect the environment and the DOJ can enforce them.The EPA is a leftist wacko, govt. sponsored version of Greenpeace. It's done far more harm to the economy than subprime mortgages. Get rid of it; and I'll donate a year of free civil service, if I can be the one who gets to go in there and fire everyone.
• Restore Private Property Rights-Why in the hell do we need govt. telling business owners what size bathrooms they need in buildings they paid for with their hard earned money? Why can't a restaurant owner allow smoking in his own building? Why do strippers have to stay three feet away from the perverts that patronize their establishments?(I'm pretty certain Bill Clinton had nothing to do with that one.) Stop pandering to do-gooder losers that want to mind everyone else's business. It's not creating jobs.
• Cut Out the Green Crap-There are no green jobs, no green economy, no environmental justice. Govt. officials should be banned from ever using the word green again. It's raising the price of energy, which raises the price of everything else, and it's accomplishing nothing! You're making America look stupid and your pissing me off. When other forms of energy are more efficient than fossil fuels, you won't have to force or pay people to use them. If George W. Bush hadn't outlawed incandescent light bulbs, then maybe L.E.D. bulbs wouldn't cost fifty freaking dollars each!
• Put A Moratorium on Reality TV-I'm not sure if it will create jobs, but, I'm certain that crap is making Americans incredibly stupid at a rapid pace. What's so entertaining about cramming a bunch of losers into a house together and watching them fight. Stop the madness now!

So, there you have it. I've got a lot more, but I'm sleepy right now! No need to debate it because I'm 100% right. Just pass it now, now, now!