Dude, Where's Obama's Car?

The President like to compare our country to a car that, in his opinion, the Republicans drove into a ditch. His story is that he and the Democrats have worked really hard to push this car out of the ditch and now; it's a little banged up, but it's back on the road. This seems to be Obama's favorite analogy. Yesterday, he said that the Republicans are trying to get the keys back but, "You can't have the keys because you don't know how to drive." That's not a bad line; it's getting a little old, but it's not bad. However, there are a few facts about this infamous car that the president has conveniently left out of the story. He's correct in saying that George W. Bush was the Republican who drove into the ditch. But, it seems to have skipped his mind that most of the passengers, including himself, were Democrats. Not only that, while Bush was trying to drive, they were partying it up, passing beers and joints from the back seat up to W. Obama hasn't told us much about this car, but it was pretty nice before they sneaked the keys out of dad's pants while he was sleeping. It was the fastest, most luxurious, high performance automobile in the world; loaded with all the latest gadgets and technological innovations. But, before going off road, these delinquents ran short of cash and started stripping off and selling the gadgets to pay for booze, crack, and hookers. Then, one night they left the car unattended while they were in the liquor store and a bunch of Muslims busted out the windows and tail lights. After driving into the ditch, Bush's turn at driving was over and Obama talked all of his drunk friends into letting him drive. As this con was going on, several bystanders were outside screaming not to let this guy drive. He'd never driven anything, having taken public transportation all his life. But, Obama told the alcoholic, crackhead, losers that all they needed was hope and a change of direction and, being stoned, they gave him the keys. As we mentioned, the car was in the ditch and needed a tow, but Obama had another plan. Instead of turning back toward the street and getting towed out, he turned the wheels downward and stepped on the gas, burying the vehicle to the axles. As the passengers began to sober up, they got mad and started telling Obama what an idiot he was for making a bad situation worse. The President, however, wasn't phased by the anger at his decision making. Rather than altering his course, he began verbally assaulting and even sodomizing his critics. To make matters worse, he made friends with the Muslims that had vandalized the car, excusing their acts by blaming former driver George Bush for angering them. He said he never even liked the car to begin with, that it was to flashy and fancier than the crappy foreign cars his friends drove. As I write these words, Obama is attempting to completely dismantle the car and redistribute it's parts to other drivers. But, if we're lucky, a special police force called the Tea Party will arrive to end his reign of terror and throw his sorry, DUI butt in prison; or at least remove him from the car. Then, hopefully, law and order can be restored.

Dear Nancy, Life's Really Not Fair

Dear Nancy,

How are you my good friend? Let me start by expressing my deepest sympathies for the beat down it appears your party will take in November. The taxpayers appear to be really ungrateful for all of the wonderful things you and the president have jammed up their hind parts in the past two years. Don't they understand it was all for their own good? Anyway, I had to write because I saw what you said to the steel workers union about how things need to be more fair in our country and I couldn't agree more. This is a really unfair country we're living in. I mean, is it fair that your face is stretched tighter than Oprah's panties? I think not. Was it fair when Judy Garland melted you with a bucket of water in "The Wizard of Oz"? Hell No!, and the flying monkeys just sat there and watched. I can't believe you helped one of them become senate majority leader. We're really lucky to have leaders like you, who are not afraid to fight for social justice. There is so much inequality, where do we start? Is it fair that almost half of all Americans pay absolutely no income tax at all and suck the life out of the economy like vampires while the other half support them? What about small business owners who spend years busting their butts and risking everything they have, and who create 85% of new jobs only to be rewarded with higher taxes and demonized by politicians? That's not fair. What about the millions of kids that are robbed of a good education in our public schools due to the union's protection of incompetent teachers and leftwing lunatics influencing curriculum? Let's do something about that. Let's find some justice for the thousands of workers who've lost their jobs because of the president's offshore drilling moratorium, which was put in place due to a single accident among thousands of drilling rigs and despite the fact that the U.S. was financing the same type of drilling by foreign companies. Wow, I didn't realize how much unfairness there was until you brought it up, Thanks! Come to think of it, there was nothing fair about the millions of Americans who lost their homes, businesses, and retirements while you and your buddies bailed out idiot bankers who made loans to people who they new couldn't repay them. Speaking of bankers, it was a little unfair how the government forced them to give mortgages to people with no credit, no money, and no job; then called them evil, profiteering predators. But, I understand that not doing that could have cost you votes and that wouldn't be fair to you. I'll tell you something that's incredibly unfair. How about the thousands of Americans that have been murdered, raped, and kidnapped by illegal alien criminals because our federal government refuses to enforce immigration laws and protect our borders. What about the millions of us that have lost our health insurance or seen huge premium increases thanks to the new law you so generously rammed down our throats. You were right, we did have to wait until it was passed to see how great it was. Lets talk about employment for a minute. Is it fair that government employees make, on average, twice as much money as the people they work for? It hardly seems so. I also have to agree with you on the need to tone down our political rhetoric. You know, it wasn't really fair when millions of hard working, tax paying, parents and grandparents publicly organized to exercise their constitutional rights to freedom of speech and assembly, and you called them tea baggers, racists, and Nazis. Ah, I could go on and on, but somebody has to do the work in this country; after all, that's quite a spending tab you guys are running up. Plus, I'm sure you need to go and hang your face in the sun to tan or something. Anyway, happy returns on 11/2.

Your Partner in Social Activism,

Glenn

When did "Paul Blart-Mall Cop" become the Director of National Security?

I really don't want to make light of a possible terrorist attack, but the geniuses in charge of our government are making it very difficult for me. An FBI/Homeland Security bulletin obtained by the A.P. said that while the latest Al Queda threat across Europe did not specifically target U.S. citizens, "Americans traveling abroad should be on the lookout for suspicious activity." Do What? If we're supposed to report all this "suspicious activity", I can see all hell breaking loose at Walmarts across Europe. A Fox News story reported that Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany conducted a 24 hour security exercise that included a curfew and heightened security. That's great, were they worried that Bin Laden was going to conduct a panty raid that night? Patrick Kennedy of the U.S. State Department stressed that they were not recommending that Americans not go to Europe, just use"common sense, by leaving the scene if they see unattended packages or hear loud noises." Seriously, loud noises? No word on whether Kennedy left the press conference on a "Segue". Is this really the best we can do? J. Edgar Hoover must be spinning in his grave. The list of possible targeted locations includes pretty much every well known landmark on the entire continent of Europe; so at least we've isolated the threat. Under this type of intense scrutiny, I'm sure Bin Laden will just dissolve Al Queda and open a chain of convenience stores. It's bad enough that this is the best intelligence we can gather, but why in the hell would you release such a vague advisory to the public? I can see a scenario where a Muslim that farts loudly in the airport could take a serious beat down. Say what you want about Dick Cheney, but who would you rather have watching your back?